Where is the Joy? -
By Juey Ann MacLeod -
The Sexual and Relationship Expert
www.joyfulloving.com

August, September, October 2010

Dear Juey Ann,

Since you help people who are lonely, can you tell me something I can do to find friends? ~ J., Edmonton, AB

Since you did not share your age or your interests, it is difficult to give a definite answer. If there is something that interests you (drawing, hiking, home repair, computers, etc.) attend a class, workshop, meeting or join a club in the subject. It will be something you can talk about easily from a place of knowing about the subject or sharing why it interests you. Participating in events that attract you brings you into contact with people of similar interests, giving you the opportunity to connect and build friendships from that introduction. Nothing grows until a seed is planted!

Once you have been around more individuals of like-mind, choose two or three you think would be especially nice to have as friends. Please keep in mind that it will not happen immediately. Go slowly and use the tips below. A few short conversations at first and remember others can be shy so do not take a non-action as a rejection; let others warm up to you. Also, remember others may be looking for the same opportunity to build friendships you are seeking. So if someone approaches you that you may not have noticed previously allow a bit of time to get to know that person.

Some of the opening “conversation starts” could be “How long have you be interested in . . .?” “What got you interested in . . . . ?” A tip to get over the fear of someone liking you is to like yourself. I ask clients working on this issue to always talk to themselves about their strengths and attributes before entering into a “new situation”. This creates a positive energy around you and assists in your attraction level. If you don’t know what your strengths are, ask your co-workers or the family members you like.

The most important tip is co-creative conversation - a skill some of us have not heard of. To be co-creative, we need to be responsible for 50% of the speaking and to be 100% present. Present, means to be totally in the moment and giving your total attention. Thinking ahead to what they may say, what you want to say next, being in fear of speaking or being afraid of them not liking you is not being present. Being present with someone conveys that you want to hear what they have to say and it is important to you what they think. It is often felt as safe and honoring. This automatically allows the expansion of the heart energy that creates a sense of closeness.

Another tip is to ask the other person about themselves. It also opens the door to closeness. If you are asked about yourself give a small amount of information (not your whole life story or an expert opinion) then let the other person ask more questions about what you have said. Or leave the sentence open, by asking if they have had a similar experience as you end to your sharing. These techniques help to keep the conversation going back and forth making it easier to stick to the 50% speaking rule.

Nodding your head a little, smiling at certain times or bits of information and a quiet “yes” are techniques that let the other person know you are being attentive to what they are saying. Eye connection that is soft in nature – by that I mean bring a smile into your eyes – also affirms you are actively engaged in listening to them.

Remembering the information shared so you can use it in conversation when you meet another time, also implies you find them interesting. For example: “Did you get the program you were challenged with last time to do what you wanted it to do?” “How was the . . . . exam on Friday?” Use a pet’s name or any other name associated with them and their life. All of these greatly assist your ability to co-create conversation with ease.

The next tip is help to support the growth of the new relationship by not speaking to a third person about the information that was shared with you. You can always speak of your own experience without using the other person’s name or anything specific information about them – sharing only how it affected you. This helps to build trust in a friendship!

Thank you for your question. May your friends be many!

Juey Ann MacLeod is a Life Coach assisting individuals and couples to resolve Sexual and Relationship Issues, Sexual Abuse Patterns and facilitates Personal Growth Steps. JOY Inc. was created 10 years ago along with the first Art of Joy-ful Loving Workshop. The continually increasing variety of JOY Workshops has assisted many people to empower themselves and enhance their relationships. For more information visit Juey Anns practitioner profile or call
888-358-8789. Juey Ann will provide answers to the questions you always wanted to ask about sexual and relationship issues.

Click Here to direct your questions to Juey Ann and please type "Question for Juey Ann" in your email message. Alternately you can contact her through her website www.joyfulloving.com. Our columnists may not be able to reply to all your questions, but will try their best to provide guidance to as many as possible.

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