Where is the Joy? -
By Juey Ann MacLeod -
The Sexual and Relationship Expert
www.joyfulloving.com

February, March, April 2010

Dear Juey Ann,

I have never had an orgasm and I have always faked it. Is there anything I can do? Or is there something wrong with me?

Thank you for your very brave question that most women are very silent about. The answer is plainly “NO” there is nothing wrong with you. The pharmaceutical companies have attempted to get the medical community to create a “sexual dysfunction syndrome” as an accepted medical condition but sexual therapists have successfully lobbied against it. More than 50% of the women on the North American continent have never experienced orgasm. The major reasons for this are the lack of: awareness, connection, skill and knowledge.

Awareness: Studies show that at least 50% of the women, who say they do not have orgasms, actually have them but are so disconnected or unaware that they do not realize they are having one. Can you say you are really aware of the sensations of your sexual organs? If not, why? Have you been sexually abused? Physic- ally or emotionally abused? No, can’t remember your childhood? Many survivors of abuse have had to totally block their experiences just to survive.

Connection: Obviously the sexually abused may have disconnected sexually but other types of abuse also shut down awareness of your feelings. Being able to feel in the moment is an important part of the orgasmic process. Thought forms also block connection, by sending messages from your largest sexual organ – your brain – to your body and unknowingly deign your natural responses. For example: shame or dislike of body parts – you might say “my breasts are too small/big, legs to thin or fat”; thoughts or unconscious beliefs that might sound like “sex is a sin or good girls don’t do it or feeling sexual is being a whore”, etc.

When feelings are closed down or unconscious thoughts manifest it keeps your attention in your mind and often manifests as control. Control is the total opposite of orgasmic response where you are “just being in the moment, experiencing feelings and sensations in your body”.

The Tantric perspective is that orgasm is not the goal, but to be able to feel and experience all the sensations. They accept that orgasm is often the by-product of the full experience. This approach takes away the anxiousness of being able to perform which can sometimes turn into control.

Knowledge: Have you ever gotten any encouraging information about your beautiful and unique sexual organs and their responses? Do you know the body’s response to stimulation? In North America most people have not had positive sexual information passed down to them. Therefore, women expect to have the bliss filled, mind blowing orgasm they read or have heard about through part of their body that they may consider to be unattractive or bad.

Attracting a knowledgeable and skilled partner is another difficulty. Few men have had sexual intimacy training and naturally treat women like they would like to be treated until they learn different information.

Skill: Knowing what you need to reach orgasmic states and then mastering the skill to ask for it is another issue. We as women need to accept the responsibility of knowing what we need. The most efficient way is to self-discover and self-pleasure. Then ask for what you like! Traditionally women have put themselves last and this is often a very large hurtle to overcome. It is very empowering to your partner to feel he can pleasure you – most women do not realize they have to softly lead, by expressing their desires, in the bedroom. Do you? How is a man going to learn what you, a woman, want unless you tell him?

To save face on the faking it issue, I would recommend the truthful approach. Tell your partner you want to experience “multiple orgasms” and from all the reading you have done it requires your participation at a different level. Then ask for support and encouragement to express your desires, this puts the two of you aspiring for higher goals together. I believe co-creative sexual intimacy will continue to expand and deepen your relationship and your orgasms. May you experience the full spectrum of joy!

Juey Ann MacLeod is a Life Coach assisting individuals and couples to resolve Sexual and Relationship Issues, Sexual Abuse Patterns and facilitates Personal Growth Steps. JOY Inc. was created 10 years ago along with the first Art of Joy-ful Loving Workshop. The continually increasing variety of JOY Workshops has assisted many people to empower themselves and enhance their relationships. For more information visit Juey Anns practitioner profile or call
888-358-8789. Juey Ann will provide answers to the questions you always wanted to ask about sexual and relationship issues.

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