Where is the Joy? -
By Juey Ann MacLeod -
The Sexual and Relationship Expert
www.joyfulloving.com

May 2009

Dear Juey Ann,

Lately, my intimate moments with my wife seem to be rare and almost non-existent. When I suggest we have sex she pushes me away or says she?s tired. I feel inadequate due to my wife?s despondency and feel like we have lost the connection we once had. I dearly love my wife and would like to know how I can re-kindle our relationship and get back the closeness we once shared. ~ C.J, Red Deer, Alberta ~

This is a common issue of many long term relationships. Sexual coldness is usually the result but not the cause of the problem. Over time couples have life situations such as: jobs, raising children, care of aging parents, unresolved hurts and more, which takes time and energy away from what is needed to keep a relationship warm. Sometimes it is simply to understanding the difference in the male and female prospective of what is necessary to maintain closeness. Communication is often a key factor.

In a relationship communication is of the utmost importance. The Webster Collegiate Dictionary?s definition of intercourse is - ?1: connection or dealings between persons or groups (communication), 2: exchange especially of thoughts or feelings (intimate communication), 3) physical sexual contact between individuals (physical communication)?.

Before sexual relations can be rekindled, some honest discussion of issues and feelings need to occur. To create a deeper intimacy (in-to-me-you-see), feelings need to be expressed to be able to come to an understanding of the issue(s) and a compromise if necessary. We cannot change the past but the feelings can be brought to the present and resolved.

Many of us have been programmed not to speak our feelings, but this is easy to rectify with the correct tools. In some cases, it may require an independent third party to supply new tools and assist with the opening of communication.

On the sexual level women often need foreplay in many different ways, not just the touching and words that usually take place only in the bedroom. Many men are completely unaware of anything but this type of behavior. For a woman to feel close she has to be totally loved ? not just for her body. Closeness for her is words, smiles with the warmth of love in them, awareness that translates in to attentiveness to her needs and desires outside the bedroom. This all takes time and often events in our lives take precedence. Time for honest communication is the investment in relationship that keeps the interest, and heat, growing.

Dear Juey Ann,

How can I get my wife to tell me what she wants or likes when we are having sex?

~ Al, Red Deer, Alberta ~

Many women have been programmed that their partner will look after their needs and all they have to do is show up. Others have difficulty sharing what they want because they have been taught to put themselves last. Some women do not even know what they look like ?down there? much less know what they feel; especially if they have had a sexually abusive past then, the sexual area is probably numb.

The secret is to get your wife to share, away from the bedroom, what areas of her body feel sensitive. One way is to draw an outline of the whole body on paper and get her to mark the sensitive areas. Then when you are using this information encourage feedback by asking ?Do I have the sensitive spot?? or ?Do you like this pressure?? or ?Do you like this speed?? Give her time to become aware of the area you are touching before you ask the questions. If she is not really connected to her body it will take a few minutes sometimes for her to actually know the answer. Wait patiently for her feedback. Over rubbing an area will numb it out so if there is no answer, move on to another area. Over time the feedback will grow.

Juey Ann MacLeod is a Life Coach assisting individuals and couples to resolve Sexual and Relationship Issues, Sexual Abuse Patterns and facilitates Personal Growth Steps. JOY Inc. was created 10 years ago along with the first Art of Joy-ful Loving Workshop. The continually increasing variety of JOY Workshops has assisted many people to empower themselves and enhance their relationships. For more information visit Juey Anns practitioner profile or call
888-358-8789. Juey Ann will provide answers to the questions you always wanted to ask about sexual and relationship issues. Please direct your questions to jueyann@thevioletray.ca

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