Where is the Joy? -
By Juey Ann MacLeod -
The Sexual and Relationship Expert
www.joyfulloving.com

November, December 2010 and January 2011

Dear Juey Ann,

Why do some partners deliberately control sex in the relationship? ~ B.P. , Camrose, AB ~

This is a complex and very good question. Let’s look at the word you used - control. Simply stated control is a need driven by fear, not love. Childhood experiences, often negative, have formed perspectives/views/truths that unconsciously impact your life as an adult.

Let me give you some examples from my coaching practice:

a) A partner was sexually abused and unconsciously believes that sex is about one person’s control.

b) A client was taught by example from her parents that the woman controlled her man with sex – she had no conscious awareness that this is not the way a healthy relationship works.

c) The need to always be right. This shows how the controlling person is afraid of not being good enough but may not be aware of why.

d) One partner has a controlling partner who likes to control everything in their lives; often a result of fear of safety or a pattern observed as a child. The other thinks that withholding sex is the only way to fight back and has not learned to speak up for his or herself, resorting to passive control.

e) A husband phones me and asks if I can help them - he wants more sex in the relationship. I teach them exercises to do frequently. They give me a follow up report that they are both excited about being more connected and how that enriches their sex life. Then he does not seem to find the time for the exercises or the depth of connection. His wife feels extremely ignored and unloved. After a length of time, she calls and gives me a list of what she has done to facilitate the exercises. As I listen, the attempts seem gentle and not controlling. She states that “she feels she has been jerked around on the emotional yo-yo and the only way to protect her heart is to deny him sex.” Without communication with him, I can only guess what pain made him become a passive controller.

f) Some men and women who experienced mental, emotional, physical or sexual abuse from an adult as children, unknowingly turn their anger into hating the gender of the abuser. They often use withholding of sex as an unconscious revenge.

As you can see there is no one answer but in some way passive or active control can play a conscious or unconscious part, just as you stated. A person who is controlling is often wounded in some way and unfortunately it robs the relationship of warmth, expansion and depth. And bliss!

Juey Ann MacLeod is a Life Coach assisting individuals and couples to resolve Sexual and Relationship Issues, Sexual Abuse Patterns and facilitates Personal Growth Steps. JOY Inc. was created 10 years ago along with the first Art of Joy-ful Loving Workshop. The continually increasing variety of JOY Workshops has assisted many people to empower themselves and enhance their relationships. For more information visit Juey Anns practitioner profile or call
888-358-8789. Juey Ann will provide answers to the questions you always wanted to ask about sexual and relationship issues.

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